From a planetary pandemic, we shifted to a painful process of an economic recovery. The love and romance associated with Valentine’s Day was somewhat subdued this year due to rising economic challenges.
Having celebrated 75 years of independence last week as an island of ingenuity, we need to stay positive with a pragmatic approach on all fronts. One essential requisite for such an endeavour is emotional maturity.
Overview
The Cupid, typically depicted as a “cherubic winged infant wielding a bow and arrow”, was known to Greeks as Eros. He struck at the hearts of others in playing with their emotions. In one such case, Cupid shot a golden arrow at Apollo, who fell madly in love with the fairy named Daphne. Then he launched a leaden arrow at Daphne so she would be repulsed by him. He is quite popular during the season surrounding Valentine’s Day.
Saint Valentine of Rome is a lesser-known figure and has questionable recognition by the Catholic Church. Yet, his name has become popular because of the Valentine Day of 14 February every year. Despite many historical confusions, caring for others till he was murdered because of his faith was a solid fact. Associating his good name as a martyr to represent sacrificial love is a good thing. Whether promoting Valentine’s Day for commercial purposes in marketing romance is a good thing or not is questionable. Of course, in our routine lives, we might need a day to remember our romantic relationships, and that could be a justification for having an annual celebration.
Emotions explored
Emotions are part and parcel of our daily life. It reminds me of what Aristotle stated a long time ago. “Anyone can become angry. - That is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is not easy.” He vividly stresses the importance of emotional control. We see how it is often violated on many occasions as communicated by printed, electronic and social media. What are emotions then? Let’s discover.
One may become angry. That’s psychological. One may become hungry. That’s physiological. Both are emotions. They can be related to mental or physical aspects. I would break the word emotion as “e–motion” or “enabling motion”. Emotions drive us to action. In essence, they are feelings and their associated thoughts. “Rule your feelings, lest your feelings rule you”, said Publilius Syrus, way back in the first Century (B.C.). Essentially, emotions are intense feelings directed at someone or something.
Stephen Robins, a veteran in Organisational Behaviour presents the six key basic emotions, namely, anger, fear, sadness, happiness, disgust and surprise. You can clearly see more negatives than positives. That’s why we have more misery than mercy, providing enough business to psychiatrists. I still remember Robert Holden, who goes around the globe giving motivational speeches, calls himself as a “recovering psychologist”. The need here is to have a more positive, pragmatic and progressive outlook.
As such, emotions can be constructive or destructive. Joy can be constructive whilst jealousy can be destructive. Channeling emotions towards success is a challenging task. The best example I can give is how the All Blacks, the New Zealand Rugby Team, perform the ritual of Haka, a traditional Maori tribe’s war dance, before a game begins. It gives them a hype to go for the “kill”.
Emotions are still being scientifically explored. Antonioi Damasio, an expert in neuroscience has this to say: “Emotions are bio-regulatory reactions that aim at promoting, directly or indirectly, the sort of psychological states that secure not just survival, but survival regulated into the range that we identify with well-being.”
Being emotionally intelligent
There are many myths about emotional intelligence (EI). Some say it has been invented by Americans. The truth is that it has existed with human beings since time immemorial. All great religious leaders were obviously emotionally intelligent.
Take the case of the Buddha, who kept on meditating while three wild women (Thanha, Rathi, Raga) were having a luring dance in front of him. Same with Jesus when self-pity was overcome in carrying the cross to Calvary. Great leaders such as Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela and Saint Mother Theresa amply demonstrated EI in many ways.
It was Charles Darwin who first wrote about emotions, in the Western perspective. He published a book, “The Expression of the Emotions in Man and Animals” in 1872, highlighting genetically determined aspects of behaviour. The way I see it, EI was re-packaged in the West, as a management concept. “People high in EI are expected to progress more quickly through the abilities designated and to master more of them,” said John Mayer of New Hampshire University and Peter Salovey of Yale University, who are regarded as the co-founders of EI in its new form.
Credit should go to Daniel Goleman for bringing the concept of EI to a wider audience. His several books on EI have shed a lot of light. “Rational intelligence and technical skills are important, but emotional intelligence is the sine qua non of leadership,” said Goleman.
In essence, EI can be viewed as a capacity. It is a capacity for recognising our own feelings and those of others, for motivating ourselves, and for managing emotions well in ourselves and in our relationships (Goleman, 1995). He re-packaged his five components as a model having four key aspects connecting self vs. others in one axis and recognition vs. regulation in the other axis. It will be worthwhile reflecting on us with regards to these four key aspects.
Self-Awareness (self + recognition)
This refers to the awareness of one’s emotional state. It means the ability to recognise and understand your emotions and their effects on others. As Goleman observes, a high degree of self-confidence and a realistic self-assessment can be considered as hallmarks of people having a high level of self-awareness. I think it is directly relevant to mindfulness. “Sathiya” or “Sihiya” in local vernacular could be the best descriptors.
Do our leaders demonstrate self-awareness? Are they conscious of what they uttered a few days ago that was widely publicised by the media, before callously denying that they actually told so? It is a common issue in political fronts but may also happen in business and other fronts.
Self-Management (self + regulation)
This is logically the second step. It refers to the ability to control or redirect disruptive impulses, in taking charge of you. According to Goleman, trustworthiness, integrity, comfort with ambiguity, openness to change are all hallmarks of self-management.
This is also where passion comes to the surface. It refers to the propensity to pursue a purpose with persistence. The point here is that self-motivation should be beyond the monetary gains or status grabs in being clear about what one really wants in life. Organisational commitment has a close connection with such types of behavour. Optimism even in a failure can be one hallmark of such self-motivators.
This of course is much evident among many prominent leaders the way they peruse their goals. Whether such goals are congruent with a collaborative approach towards national development is the question. A statesman can be clearly separated from a politician, based on the self-motivation towards serving the nation.
Social Awareness (others + recognition)
This quadrant takes us to focus on others. It includes empathy which is the ability to understand the emotional makeup of other people. In essence, it involves walking with “their shoes on”. Stephen Covey in his popular Seven Habits of Highly Effective People refers to this as “seek first to understand and then to be understood”. In fact, he says it is one of the often-neglected aspects of managerial behavior around the world. Customer care, employee-sensitivity, cross-cultural communications are some areas where empathy is a must.
Do we see leaders demonstrating empathy in our societies? Having one-sided views and thereby jumping into conclusions is quite common. Disputes often arise when empathy is discarded. Social media is abundant with such sad situations involving leaders.
Relationship Management (others + regulation)
This is the culmination of all of the above. It refers to building lasting relationships. Being friendly, trustworthy and genuine may result in good social networks and solid teams. The acid test of EI is how good you are in successful and sustained relationships.
How do we see relationships among our leaders on many fronts? Are they genuine or opportunistic in their associations and affiliations? Do leaders use their high EI for relationship building or low EI for relationship busting? They are the questions we need to answer.
Way forward
“Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair, but manifestations of strength and resolution,” said Kahlil Gibran. At a time when the world is concerned about an upcoming recession, while we are painfully passing through a socio-economic crisis, what we need is more pro-action than reaction. The world has overcome many challenges including two world wars and we Sri Lankans are no second to anyone in showing our resilience. Emotional maturity is a good starting point.
Rather than cursing the darkness, let’s light a candle. Actions speak louder than words. In such a case, Cupid was not disappointed with crisis after crisis and hopefully, Valentine’s Day will not be vandalised in time to come.