Brotherly love
Dear Dr.M
I am a 17 year old male and I have three older brothers. I love my brothers but I don’t like any of them. I’d like to let them know how I feel but I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. My mom would like for us to spend more time together but tensions might flare. I know that it is important for families to be close but I am not sure if I can bring myself to develop a brotherly relationship with them. Do you have any suggestions?
— Blake, 17
Dear Blake,
It sounds like you do have a brotherly relationship with your siblings, but it’s not a close one. You say it’s important to have a close family relationship. Do you want one? And do they? Competition is very common among brothers, and sometimes that’s hard to deal with. Keep in mind that all relationships take work, and relationships with brothers ebb and flow depending on where everyone is in their lives. Do the four of you have any common interests? That would be a starting point for an activity or simply a discussion. Another idea is a family hike, which can be a way to have fun and bond. All of you could also go have dinner in a neutral place. Research studies have indicated that even when siblings don’t particularly like each other, they typically will support each other when they’re needed. Since you love your brothers, it’s worth that extra effort to find ways to connect, at least occasionally.
- Dr.M
Trusting heart
Dear Dr. M
So, my boyfriend tried to commit suicide long before we got together. It scares me because I like being friends with very happy people and he is usually happy but I feel like I don’t know him anymore. Can you help me try to figure this out?
— Paula, 15
Dear Paula,
It is totally understandable that your boyfriend’s history of suicidal thoughts and actions has you feeling concerned. Most people realize that suicide is a serious mistake and solves nothing. We all make mistakes throughout our lives, but suicide is one of those permanent ones.
It seems your boyfriend trusts you enough to share his past and that is a good thing. His history might make you feel as though you can’t completely trust him or how he might react to tough times. Also, if you are attracted to happy people, I can only guess he must be pretty happy these days. If he has moved on from whatever events had caused him to have suicidal ideation, then my advice is to encourage that. Observe how he handles challenges and provide him with support and optimism if you feel it is necessary. Sometimes when we learn good and bad details of someone’s history, it naturally paints them in a different, but not necessarily bad, light. I personally admire anyone who has found better ways to cope with stressors after they learned the hard way about how NOT to handle stress. It may indicate a degree of strength, rather than weakness, and that is very admirable. I would suggest talking more about your honest feelings and allow him the opportunity to share the wisdom he seems to have gained through his experiences. If you ever have any fears that he might feel suicidal again, seek interventional help. Finally, about your feeling that you don’t know him anymore, I would say that you actually know him better now. Nobody is perfect. We all have aspects to our history that others might find questionable, even worrisome, but a good relationship is built on trust and communication, and your boyfriend seems to have those two important factors going for him.
My best to you both,
Dr.M
Lost crush
Dear Dr. M
About 2 months ago I began texting a girl who goes to my school. She’s beautiful. I had a hard time getting the nerve to talk to her at school, but I eventually texted her and asked her out. She said no, saying that she didn’t feel the same way. I was crushed because I thought things were going really well and we have a lot in common, but I figured that I should remain friendly because I don’t want to be rude and cut her out cause it’s a small school and I see her frequently. We still text or snapchat somewhat frequently. I thought I was moving on, but we just had a school dance several days ago and she looked amazing and I realized that I was not over her. I don’t know what to do. It feels like I don’t want to move on. Is there any advice that you have for me?
— TW, 17
Dear TW,
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this kind of stuff, which can be messy and leave you feeling unhappy. I think part of your problem is that you keep talking to this girl, which is not giving yourself a proper chance to move on. I’d suggest then that you stop communicating with her, but be sure to let her know why so she’ll understand and to avoid any problems with your mutual friends. Once you’ve made a cleaner break, you might be able to feel more comfortable truly moving on and starting a relationship with someone new.
Dr.M
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