People change. During the lifespan of a person, there are a lot of incidents that shape the individual. I am a person who tends to think, not ‘over’ but maybe quite near to that line. When a situation occurs around me, I try to figure out if it’s based on me or others. You are excused to think that I am weird depending on the two facts above. However, I learned a lot, maybe just enough to get me here. It all started and ended with me weaving myself again.
Going back to a place I never thought wasn’t clearly my idea of a comeback. Back then I was a timid, shy person who would fall over tricks easily. Anyways that’s how I ended here. So it wasn’t a bad choice either.
And I came back to a place, where things started and ended.
On my first day at the new school, I was again introduced as the “New Student”, but it didn’t feel the same though. The new air of the surrounding felt suspicious and uncanny. I shouldn’t mind telling that it felt as if I wasn’t needed here. No one talked to me, so I had to start. Well, I can’t stay silent for long so I did. Before it was far better, I knew people around me so it wasn’t uncanny. I actually thought it would turn out to be suitable within days or weeks. Yet years passed and that feeling still stayed the same.
Surprisingly, I couldn’t be the “New Student” for a long time. Because ‘She’ arrived. ‘She’ was, as in my perspective those times, was a fresh light. We were on the same boat…lonely in an old classroom filled with joy. Me and she were even by those terms so we joined in our hearts.
The upcoming days passed with Us cherishing each moment…for me it will be a pictured album of memories, I hope it was the same for ‘She’ as well. Days add up to weeks, weeks add up to months, finally finishing it as a whole year. It soon came in flashes, Us were divided into two classes with different combinations, even though we pinky promised to stay together forever. This is the scene when ‘Her’ enters.
The third and final, wasn’t apparently someone whom I wanted to connect ways with. No, she wasn’t a delinquent neither was she a bossy class president with great marks. It was ‘Her’ popularity. Excessive popularity leads to problems, but she didn’t seem to be bothered by the fact. Attention was thrown at her. I think I never hated her, but sometimes I was jealous of her. To tell the bitter truth she was a superb athlete as well as a great student. How could I not admire ‘Her’?. She always accompanied the best students in the grade, even in the class all the excellencies were with her. From the first day, until the end of the year she hadn’t conversed a single sentence with me. But here she came…
Divided
It was when the classes got divided, it hit her that the friends that stayed in the class weren’t anymore together with her. So, on the last day amid the chaos of joy she tried making acquaintance with her new classmates. That’s where ‘She’ fell into the gap. With a simple “Hi” and smiley talks they exchanged numbers…As planned prior, ‘She’ and ‘Me’ were supposed to head to the library together on the last day. Unfortunately, ‘Her’ dragged ‘She’ to play in the playground. If I ever was the faithful girl, ‘She’ disliked playing with crowds, but she did it that day. I didn’t notice then…little by little, throughout the day she changed.
At the end of the last day, they had even given each other nicknames, something ‘She’ refused to do…solely I felt pushed away, still and all ‘She’ was happy so I kept quiet.
Those were just the beginning, as the new year arrived, school started after celebrations. We were in two different zones, ‘She’ was with ‘Her’, while I was alone. On the first day I was so eager to see them that I ran during the break to their classroom only to find that they were downstairs in the canteen. Heartbroken, I went back. ‘She’ preferred home lunches, or that’s what she said. I thought maybe winter air gave her a fresh colour. It was the first hint for me that I never took notice of her changes.
Through the next weeks or rather months her attitude plus behaviour drastically shifted. Therefore, it felt like drifting apart from her. I thoroughly knew ‘She’ hated the sports uniform, and rather preferred the formal uniform, but now she wore the sports kit everyday. ‘Her’ interactions with the community made ‘She’ popular too, that sometimes in corridors swarms of students would surround…’She’ who will talk to them, and ‘I’ will stay until ‘She’ finished. It made me tired as I am human and I quit waiting.
Both of them started becoming distant. ‘Her’ disappearance didn’t faze me as the disappearance of ‘She’. It was like her presence was inevitable.
From various occasions it seemed that ‘Me’ was an utter disturbance to Both. I tried hard, too hard to please them in my own way. Why do you always wear the formal kit? Wear the Sports uniform the next day. To be faithful enough I wore it, thinking I can fit in with them. However, they got me down in other things, with other mistakes.
Exam date
Not too soon then, the day of judgement arrived. It was an exam date, not wanting to clearly mesmerize the break, I pointed out that the test paper was history. I can’t say why it had to be that day, because since that day the subject of History often brought a gloomy setup.
After finishing the first question paper, I rushed outside to meet them. Both of them were sitting on a bench with books wide open. I sat beside them. “Hey can you please go and buy us two orange drinks?” The queue was long, still can I refuse? “Sure, Why not!”. Things will be no different if I stayed back then without going, only that it may have caused some uproar than the silence in between.
I returned with the drinks, only to find my bag and books enjoying the solution of ignorance. Sigh Time to find them again. It was a Exam day, nevertheless it was ‘Me’ running around trying to find them. Determination never fails they say, it didn’t. It didn’t fail to shatter me into pieces. I caught a glimpse of them, tired of pacing around, I called them from afar, they both heard but ignored and walked faster…just then the bell rang. This bell made me senseless, I went to the exam hall, while waiting for the paper two tears dropped, following the two four more dropped. In a moment, unknowingly to the others ‘Me’ was shedding tears from a betrayal that framed a ignorance myself never asked for.
Once getting home, I cried till my body was numb. Even though that much tears never satisfied my sadness, furthermore my anger, ‘Me’ controlled it in possible ways. In the course of the next few days, ‘Us’ became ‘Both’ whereas ‘Me’ left the group. It shan’t be a shame to tell that I did it, I worked for ‘She’, ‘Her’ and ‘Me’ weaving ‘Both’ without ‘Me’…
Patience
Since then it’s been a long way up till here. Thank goodness for my patience that had a level, or else maybe I can be searching for ‘Both’.
Life feels strange for someone who suddenly feels home by chance. It’s that most human beings trust way too much when things eventually get to that level. We started with me and you, that was the stage of ‘hope’. The ‘hope’ I had that we both would be together forever in the future. The ‘hope’ you would stay by me at every storm.
Soon enough, it became ‘Us’ including; me, her and you, the stage of “Three”. We had the best summers because even winters were summers to us. Disregard of what people say, we began to adjust , or at least you both did. I am an introvert that preferred to be shy, often I think it’s what made me shape who I am now. With these surroundings, month after month ‘Us’ became weary like an old ragged carpet. It was then, I started losing hope, day by day, gradually leading to the perfect finale.
Very hurt
The finale was victorious, personally for me and you two as well. They mention that “Three” was never a happy number, or was it?. It depends, if two leave on their way when the other is happy, it might not be a problem. Neither would it create confusion, if the three of them decide to be with each other. It was the complete opposite in my cause here. They left. You and her left.
In the beginning it’s obvious I was very much hurt. Hurt to the bone, because I trusted too much. But with the passage of time, I became more independent. The struggles I faced without you two, made me realize my potential. That’s why “Parting Away” made me victorious. I feel thankful to both of you for that.
In a way, you both looked better as two, so I didn’t want to spoil it, disregarding the fact that I wanted to be with you both.
I have promised myself to not cross the paths with ‘Her’ and ‘She’. Except if ‘Me’ gets to meet them by chance…even though I doubt the occurrence of it, when it happens so saying these words wouldn’t be heavy at all either…
.”I know melting away in the bright sunlight was rude. But it was better than evaporating until both of you showed a reaction. I am grateful to both for showing me a variation in friendships. To be honest it was hard, painful and all, but it doesn’t matter now. Because it was a part of the experience. As a result I learned to be genuine to myself, which in order gave me a broader understanding of myself. In short terms I started focusing on loving myself. We have already parted, with you giving me the two juice bottles as a farewell gift. In spite of all the above, I know there is nothing for me to apologize, yet I will for my personality is often defined through manners.
“To you two all I want to say is be happy together and forever. Never miss out on the best opportunities. Stating that it was joyful to have enjoyed the four seasons with your duet at least for a minimum time.
“In the up-comings let’s move on as complete strangers…let’s remember we were never ‘Us’, even though I saw ‘Me’ alongside ‘She’ and ‘Her’ in that parallel universe. It was nothing but just a mere encounter. ‘Me’ or I took time to snap into reality. Now that I have “It was always Just you two…and me”
~Sometimes when you are hurt the breeze will dry your tears~