The other day, a grandson of one of my friends visited us for dinner. He would have been in his early twenties. When he left us after a few hours, an18-year old granddaughter commented, “What a lovely guy!” My first impression was whether she had an immediate crush on him. But, later I realised that she had an element of truth in her comment. He was one of those lovable persons you come across in life, making others happy and comfortable.
Later, I was thinking - what makes a person lovable? What qualities do they have that others lack when it comes to charming people?
By some queer coincidence, that night I was listening to an interview by Oprah Winfrey with Elly Klein, the relationship expert. They were talking about the qualities of a lovable person.
“Well, first and foremost, almost everyone’s lovable…I’ll get to the ‘almost’ part a little later,” Elly said. “But, is there such a thing as being loved by everyone? Absolutely not. That’s the reality. For example, Oprah Winfrey is loved by millions. Yet, there are people who absolutely loathe her, including some of my own friends. Why? I have no idea. So, if you strive to be lovable to everyone, you’re fighting a losing battle.”
Elly says like beauty, lovability is in the eye of the beholder.
“Some people love strong characters. Some people love weak characters. Some people love intelligence. Some people love a sense of humour. Some people love brilliance. Some people love the underdog. Some people love people they have things in common with. Some people love people who bring something new and interesting to the table. So, if your goal is to be more lovable, it really depends on your target audience. If you give them what they love, they’ll love you,” she explains.
Three qualities
Elly gives three qualities you can cultivate to become generally lovable.
1. Be a good listener - It’s a simple equation: asking questions and listening to the answers equals loveable. People love to feel heard and validated.
2. Be a good communicator - Good communicators use both words, tone and body language to get their point across while showing understanding, empathy and appreciation for the person or people they’re communicating with. Hot tip: No matter how angry you might be over something, always resist losing your cool. It never ends well for anyone - especially you - thus making you not so lovable in that moment.
3. Be a giver - If you give more than you receive, you’re far more likely to be lovable. Now, there’s a fine line between being a giver and being a doormat, so for goodness sake have some boundaries! People actually respect reasonable, gently-presented boundaries.
The famous writer, Gary Chapman, in his book, ‘The Five Love Languages’, gives five ways to be a giver: Give quality time, give compliments and praise, give acts of service, give affection, give gifts. Chapman is absolutely right.
Remember, I promised to expand on the word ‘almost’ in ‘almost everyone’s lovable. There are some people who, sadly, aren’t lovable because they’re not worthy of your love. And those people are selfish persons. Usually, they have something called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They can range from passive-aggressive misery-makers to abusers and criminals. But, whatever the case, they’ll suck the life out of you, and whatever relationship you have with them will never be reciprocal -it’ll always be all about them. Try to distance yourself from them as much as possible—preferably physically, but definitely emotionally.
And the real secret to being lovable? Love yourself first. It’s that simple.When I say, the only person who needs to love you is yourself, that may sound funny. But if you don’t like the person you see in the mirror, change yourself because you can’t expect others to love you if you don’t love yourself.
So, if you have a kind heart, if you’re doing your best, if you’re constantly looking for ways to improve, if you truly love yourself… guess what! You’re becoming lovable. Quite simple!
Few extras
That is what Elly has to tell us. Being liked by other people brings great advantages to your life and the way you perceive yourself. It helps you to have strong connections with people. Often, we can learn to be likeable if we want to improve our behaviour towards others.
In addition to Elly’s list, let me add a few simple ways to become lovable.
1 – Be genuine: people usually like people who don’t have to pretend to be someone else or pretend to like something in order to impress people. They enjoy being around people who are true to their beliefs and opinions.
2 – Be curious about others: when listening to people, they ask questions and engage in the conversation. They manage to show interest and actually want to learn about the experiences of others.
3 – Be humble: These people understand the concept of credibility and the ability to learn new things from others and appreciate the teachings of others. They need you more than you can imagine and the truth is you need them too. Be humble
4 – Be always punctual: nobody likes waiting around for anybody as it makes you feel disrespected and uneasy.
5 – Do not be judgemental: these people can have anything said to them since they are open-minded and are able to empathize with the person.
6 – Be caring and helpful: they put others before them when they are really in need and always go out of their way to be a helping hand to others.
7 – Smile often and think positively: it is important to always wear a smile and seem positive as this attracts positive energy.
8 – Be empathetic: they can be compassionate towards another experience and can relate with the person on another level in order to show empathy and respect.
9 – Have an open heart: they are always willing to let other people in and they see themselves as equal with everyone.